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I hate it! Kinky, curly, AND nappy!

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I am just so over this crap with school and mess in between.

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As if things can’t get any more depressing…all this talk about Gabby Douglas and what not is making me even more insecure and depressed. I want to be good a something; I want to make a difference in this world and have people recognize it. Am I good at music? Sure…after all, playing the clarinet for 10+ years and being a band nerd can do something but where is that going to get me now? No where. I can cook very well, I can play video games like no other but where is that going to get me? No where. I’m an entrepreneurial, business type person; that will eventually get me somewhere but not til I finish university and even then, I won’t make an impact like I want. I’m good a being there for people, listening to people, making them smile and blah blah but again…where is that going to get me? 

Seeing all the “pretty” people get praise, all the “talented” ones (not referring to just the Olympics here)…it’s quite depressing. It’s making me hate myself even more than I already hate myself. Every time I get to a point where I’m content, someone (usually a stranger) brings me right back down. Every time something remotely good happens, it’s immediately negated and I’m shot back down. I don’t get how all the bigger girls are so confident in themselves. Shoot…the ones I see on tumblr are gorgeous. Yet…here I am struggling to lose weight as quickly as I can because I’m not good enough. 

One top of all that, my mom is still in miserable shape; she’s to the point now where she can’t walk and do things for herself so I’m always the one doing it. I want her to get better sooo bad! It’s frustrating cause I don’t know what to do to make it better for her (I believe the doctor said it was Sciatica). I want to bang my head up against the wall cause I’m frustrated. My friends have been MIA so I don’t have anyone to talk to and even if I did have someone to talk to, they wouldn’t listen; they never really do. 

I’m ready to go back to Asheville and Cherokee (NC) for another vacation.

I’m against bulling and the tormenting of other individuals 100000%! I never stood up for myself; I never did anything except sit there and take it. It’s been a while since I’ve been out of HS (4 almost 5 years). Some may think this is being immature or whatever but I humbly beg to differ. This is me finally sticking up for myself. Here are the names of the people that caused me so much bane 6th grade and onward:

Brittany R. Jones, Keneya Edwards, Zack Stackamillion Hilton (the worse; called me burnt toast and more), Michel Wilburn (in spanish class, him and a bunch of other people made me cry during a presentation), Reginald “Reggie” Newman, Carlton Butler, Bradley Feemster, Maurice Jeffries (one of the guys from senior year), Cole Schayford (or whatever; 9th grade PE class and health class; made fun of me for being fat etc), Courtney Lowery (6th grade; laughed because my shoes were named brand), Tahana Simon (11th grade; said my family was Klumps; made fun of me on a daily basis for being fat)

If you ever made fun of me because of how I looked and I missed you, congrats; you didn’t say it to my face or you made me feel “safe.”

Obviously people made fun of me for being fat and dark skinned. No one ever made fun of me for being smart and in band. In fact, when test time came, who did they come to for “help” during the test? Like I was going to give them the right answer. I hope karma b**** slaps them…hard.

Now you know why I hate being in my own skin; it’s because these memories still haunt me to this day. It’s why I’m losing weight, why I’m trying to lighten my skin, growing my hair longer…all to fit into societies mold of is “accepted.” (Well…when I met that guy, I started liking myself then he broke my heart soooo back to old habits; I still care about him though…I hope he knows that)

Pass this along; if there is anyone out there struggling, talk to me. If anyone out there has been through this, talk to me. I went through it practically alone; that doesn’t mean you have to go at it solo. 

I encourage people who are tormented on a daily basis, contemplating suicide, hurt themselves, etc…all because of bullies to stick up for yourself! Call them out for what they really are…heartless humans who are just empty shells! 

ピース!  Y(^_^)Y

I need to rant about something. I was watching tv and a commercial came on regarding the Olympics and I saw the face of someone I went to HS with who…near the last few days of school senior year, made me feel so insignificant. That person and a few others (the T.I look alike…what was his name…Maurice Jeff…something) were looking through the year book, came across my picture, pointed, laughed, and basically said all these horrid things to only turn around, realize I was in class behind them, and continued to laugh in my face (sad thing was my “friend” didn’t even say anything). that person is in the Olympics. Who is that person? Christian Taylor.

Yeah…all you people were think these athletes have such wonderful character and blah blah blah…YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!  DEAD WRONG! You may be wondering, “why call out an Olympian and no the others? It’s because he’s gonna be on tv? You jealous?” ….First, let me just say I am far from jealous. What made me angry is how can someone who did really bad things to someone go on and have extremely good luck or karma in life? How could God do this? God must really hate me for some reason. And yeah…I play on calling out the others. Once I find all their twitters, facebooks, etc…expect a post! THIS ME STANDING UP FOR MYSELF FOR ONCE EVEN THOUGH ITS BEEN OVER 4 YEARS!

Nobody knows how cruel people were to me, how many failed suicides I attempted all because of him and several other people. All the words and actions still affect me to this day! It makes me wonder if those bastards even know or even care! I hope this asshole Christian at the London games…heh…I better keep all that stuff to myself. Break a leg you piece of shit.

This is me combating bullying for everyone and I’m calling out this bully. No person should have to go through what I went through. I just sat there and took it like some idiot! All the people being bullied, harassed, made fun of…stand up for yourself! Let the fools know you are not their punching bag! Let them know you are a warrior! I’m a solider!

I was watching my local news station today and saw that they were doing a report about some British boy band doing a concert in the city tonight. It was crazy how all these little girls were obsessing of these boys when, in my opinion, they aren’t that great. It got me thinking…Kpop is waaay better and America needs to jump on that hallyu wave. Let’s explore a little.

Bands/groups have been around a looong time. I remember Nsync and the Backstreet Boys. They danced and sang at the same time. Remember The Spice Girls? I sure do! I had all their songs and even Spice World (still have it). The Pussycat dolls….*sigh*…whatever happened to them? Anyway, that group was practically Nicole and the Kittens, so to speak. Danity Kane…I loved loved looooved this group! I wish they wouldn’t have disbanded. They had spunk, looks, vocals, and danced. 

I like American pop music but…it lacks something to me. This day and age, American pop doesn’t have a lot of groups. Groups tend to offer more than solo artist. There are more personalities, different talents, more diverse, etc. Kpop, on the other hand, has all the goodies I like in music. Granted it is starting to become repetative and group seem to come out the woodwork but…it’s exciting…constantly changing. 

I constantly get slack from friends or other people about the fact that I really like Korean Pop Music (as well as other foreign things…not just Korean; Jpop was and is my first love).

After School…the group that got me started loving Kpop when they debuted with “Ah.”

“You can’t understand what they are saying!” Ummm…sooo! That’s what subtitles are for and I am learning Korean. Most of the songs contain English lyrics anyway (even though it may be broken English). 

“They all look the same” or “the music sounds the same.” Kpop is starting to become repetative to me but like I mentioned before, it’s changing. 

I’m wondering if any Kpop groups will venture into the American market and people scream, cry, and faint when they come to town. Yes…The Wonder Girls came here and did okie but when will that one group come and blow everyone away? If any group can do that, I think it will be 2NE1. Their sound, to me, is more American or what people are used to listening to. They are beautiful yet they don’t all look the same; they are unique…their style is unique. SNSD, though they did a good job, not a lot of people would be interesting in watching 9 beautiful girls sing and dance the same way. 

I also think Jay Park could be extremely successful here…and Ailee…and Bekah…and possible Cross Gene! I know I know! Rookie group but I love their song “La Di Da Di” and they are hot!

I am biased toward Kpop at the moment and wish more people here would listen to it and appreciate how different it is. I mean…listening to American music on the radio now, I bet their sound was influenced by kpop. That song with Pitbull “We Run the Night,” the girl at the part “Run the night run em run em” sounds like CL to me. 

I dunno~~~! Just a thought! I do love kpop thought. After School got me into it. I will admit, once Bekah left, I stopped paying attention to them. It was devestating when she left. I do like their comeback with “Flashback.” If I could be friends with anyone in the world, I would be friends with Bekah and Megan McCain (even though I differ from her politically). That’s enough about Kpop for the moment!

Diet update: weight in tomorrow. I have been slacking off since the reunion was this weekend.

Somewhat of a rant. Don’t know if the Japanese is right as I was just typing away. 

あなたは”私たちは友達“と言って。本当に、あなたが友達じゃない。私たちは見知らぬ人だ。皆さん！男の人は愚かだよ！

I hate people that say we are friends. いつはうそだ。ハッピーじゃない。He texted out of the blue but…ugh. I’m a mess right now. ばかだ・・・私はばかだよ！今、私は眠ることがいくよ。おやすみ。

*sigh* At one point, I thought I had found my soul mate and was literally planning my entire wedding and life with that person. Long story short, he broke my heart….majorly. I know I’m not one to say how I’m feeling and what not and I regret not sayin anything sooner. Anyway, all of the happy times I had with him and wonderful memories I have of him, I wish they would go away. I want to be happy again. Since then, I haven’t been happy; I’ve been miserable. I often ask myself and God why He brought that man into my life to make me happy for several months and then take him away only to make me feel miserable. How can he move on and be happy and I can’t? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? Am I that bad of a person? All of that has led up to the current person you see before you: a girl mad at herself everyday. I think that maybe if I lose more weight, someone will make me happy like he made me happy. I want to make someone happy; I want to be like how I was with him……..happy.